Every week at Merge, I get this nostalgic feeling. Or rather a hope that may or may not come soon. I think about the people coming in and out of my life. I think of how I've grown since my first day through those doors. And i reflect on who I am now. God tells us in Ecclesiastes 7:10 "Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?" For it is not wise to ask such questions". Hah, most of Ecclesiastes is just a thought-shaker, and some times a thought killer, but generally a thought provoker. I can't go on understanding that I am being refined everyday. Or understanding the God of the universe is making my lungs expand and collapse. In fact, no one can really comprehend. It's just something hard to remember. But I feel like I used to know. Is it wrong ever thinking that you were better in the past than you were now? Could I get inspired the way I used to? Or even feel like the past was better to motivate my future to become better ahead? I feel like it has a lot to do with my being unwilling to take the time to spend with God; a recent struggle. Although I tell others "God can take care of this" or "Pray about it, really. It helps" I don't always practice what I preach often anymore. But when I do I remember why those words are the first that come to my mind.
It's funny how I can go without reading for days, pick up a book, and never want to put it down. But then it's the same for another few days. It reminds me a lot of when C.S. Lewis writes in "The Screwtape Letters", how Screwtape tells Wormwood that as long as he keeps his thoughts in his head and does not put it into action, then it's all opposite of the Kingdom.
I pray for wisdom each night. And I get opportunities. I just need initiative. Please pray for that for me.
2 more days left of school! Finals tomorrow and wednesday. I can make it!
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Thoughts. And words. That's all. Keep it simple.
2 comments:
Well. Honestly there is a lot to say to this, but hard to really put to words on the good ol' world wide web. I guess the best way to think about this is that you are never perfect. I know you know that. But as far as thinking we are worse now than before, might be the wrong way to look at it.
I like to think that, although we can take steps backward, we can learn from those to make better steps forward. With that said, it helps me to think that I can mess up and that I havent completely reached God in every understanding. Thats the awe of Christianity. We keep striving and yearn more Him, but we'll never make it.
Now that can be a depressing fact, or a wondrous fact, in that, we can know little but still have a lot with God. While knowledge may be good, the heart of worship, which is the yearing for God and His will, is the key to keeping your eyes open and positive for the future.
Ah, Nate. Thanks so much.
I agree on the point that stepping backwards may help us skip up a few extra spaces... although I do find it a bit awkward that we use kind of like a game board to show our walk with God. Hah. And I see what you mean that we can't ever possibly wrap our minds around every motive God has.
I've always gotten answers. Plain and simple. If you ask a teacher a math question, they'll know. If you ask a parent what's for dinner, they'll know. The more I see it now, I see God is giving me a wrestling heart. I need to wrestle with these things, and read and pray, and see what kind of light God shines on certain situations. I've just always wanted a straightforward answer; no digging, no wrestling.
Thank you thank you again! Conversation and Disagreement helps me a lot.
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