Just some things...

Today Would Be

2008-11-02T20:04:00.002-07:00

My 16th birthday.

And, it doesn't feel a whole lot different. I think that when we're younger, parents make it something to celebrate, and what not, but the older you get the more birthdays feel like normal days, with a nice dinner. :) Which isn't so bad. However, I can remember times when I was younger, and I could not wait til I had reached this age.

"MAN. 16? What'll I do when I'm 16. Hmm, the WHOLE world will be in front of me. I could do whatever I want."

Certainly, that is not the case. Maybe, as days continue to pass, I will be given more responsibility and freedom, as the go hand in hand. But, I'd like to include goals for myself that I'd like to see myself accomplish over this year, and hopefully continue on through high school, college, so on and forth.

So, one is to be blogging more. Most certainly not for anyone else but myself, and keep a record on my thoughts.

This was, in fact, the original reason for this blog. However, I felt it lost its meaning after some time. But I was the one who changed the meaning. So, my fault.

Today was a good birthday. I woke up this morning at 5 to hike with kevin, nate, and sara on 3 hours of sleep! Kevin and I got some stuff around town with some giftcards I've received last night. It was fun. I came home, and my dad took me out to practice parallel parking for my drivers test this week! Then, I went to 5 service, and the worship was truly amazing and utterly remarkable. But this service, however amazing, couldn't keep me awake. It was those 3 hours of sleep i've been running on dying on me early. After, I went to YC's for dinner with the fam. It was good. Now I'm home, about to start homework. Hopefully I can go to bed at a decent hour.

I'm going to get more on mobile blogging, because it's easier since I'm not always home, and I don't have to wait for a computer to do so. I guess that's the point.

Not sure If I'm switching to wordpress or not. Blogger is just fine with me.

Love,
Chris

It's hard to identify

2008-10-19T18:12:00.004-07:00

if the things put on my heart are placed by God or by Satan:

Either
1. Satan is using them to distract me, or
2. if God has given me a vision/goal in which I should seek to meet.

There is something so set in my heart right now, something I wish that I could be doing. And I hope, when my age comes, I would be allowed to do so, because it would only allow me to grow in my relationship with Christ. Sometimes I even become jealous of others who get to experience such things. And I only hope that I'd get to experience it.

And I guess what I'm really worried about is if it doesn't happen. Rather, if I do something that would cause it NOT to happen.

In other words, I'm overly conscious about my thoughts and actions because I feel like if I do something wrong, or say something wrong, it'll only prevent what God has set on my heart from happening. And not only what's set on my heart, but his plans for me that I don't know about, and might not until they approach if they do so.

A lot of it may be the recent absence of time with God in my life, and the lack of knowledge from the bible, but I've been getting back into the word, into books, into meditation on Him. And, I'd like to hear what you'd have to say about the situation.

It's just been

2008-10-13T22:18:00.002-07:00

hard finding time to blog

i don't know exactly what to blog about

most people know what I'm doing Via twitter

and, nothing big has happened to me

or maybe, I haven't been paying attention to the little things, rather.

So again, I'm going on a computer fast. this time just for one week. I did the first two weeks, one week of it going into break. And now it'll be the other way around. I'll be going into school. So we'll see how this works.

I hope, each time I do this, my listening range will stop searching aimlessly within the bushes down the street, and pay attention to the stories the carpet and sheets and window blinds have to tell.

Something is happening right around me, but I'm too busy expecting something big. and i'm missing it.

And that's all

Thanks for reading

I miss all of you

Hit like the tired man driving home by the drunk teen who didn't see him

2008-09-28T22:18:00.002-07:00

I forgot
how
good
i have it

how blessed
my life is

and I became

ignorant

and i became

forgetful

and I have been

humbled

Blast From The...Fast? I dunno...

2008-09-16T19:42:00.003-07:00

Hey all!

I realize it's been weeks since I've updated you at all, about anything.

The past two weeks I spent computer fasting (to my best abilities). Basically, I refrained from myspace and facebook until Keira got home. I loved it really, yet still found myself busy and my time full regardless the computer being off. I guess Satan still finds ways to distract us! Because I didn't read as much as I do WITH the computer available. Anywho, the time spent has been awesome! I've been journaling, and my fear of forgetting things is slowly decreasing, mainly because my camera is out of hiding and I'm up to shooting a lot of picture like I used to.
Whilst the fast, TRAVIS CHAVEZ came up to visit From Tee-Juan-Ahhhh. I've missed that guy so much! His sense of humor was still funny as ever and it was refreshing to see him again. I also witnessed him getting a tattoo that says "On His Right" across his chest. It was quite the experience. I think I need to e-mail R-Guard those pictures, too... Then! Keira came home Sunday night!
We all went to pick her up from the airport and went out to dinner afterwards. At the end of the ramp was just Tori and Shannon, but when Keira came running down, a bunch of other high school kids came out and surprised here. Here's a short clip of the video. I was so excited hugging her wasn't even a conscious thing. Sorry Shannon for hogging her :). Haha.
In other news, my club did not work out. My teacher sponsor was way too busy, and the new school schedule doesn't favor clubs. I'm considering starting something outside of the school though, a little club on our own. More details when I think things up.

Fall break is in just two weeks! I'm excited! I think my cousin is coming down the first weekend, and I might be going to Cali with the church if I can't go to Mexico first. Hopefully I'll be able to make some visits and see some peeps :).

I'll keep you guys more posted on what's going on, my thoughts and such.

Love love love,
Chris

Update!!!!¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-19T22:12:00.004-07:00

I'll catch you guys up, if any of you are interested in the world of Chris!

My weekend was packed full
with so many things

that I wrote about in my journal.
and it took up 3 pages
and I don't feel like typing it again

Summary:

Friday - Hung out with Kevin Cody and Kaylee at Dick's Sporting Goods and rolled down hills and watched the storm at Discovery park
Satuday - Mowed my lawn with Kevin's lawn and hung out at the church. Said the goodbyes to everyone as they went off to college at Sarah's Party. Cried.
Sunday - Church, lunch at Jimmy and Joes, homework

Lisa left for Albany today. I'll miss her so much but if she's on AIM as much as she is now then things won't change too much. I learned how to play Nertz and it is currently my favorite thing to do when I have free time. I have paperwork to start my Pocket Change club, please pray things work out. I'm listening to Copeland, and it reminds me of Winter. I'm researching on fasting and hopefully will be moved to do so soon, if anyone knows about any of that fill me in.

I'm molding into being me. I wore my TOMS to school the other day and I felt horrible. Firstly because of people's remarks towards them and secondly because of me being such a coward that I can't even stand up to these people. But God took that and moved me with it and I knew that the whole time but I still don't understand why I've been so influenced by people's thoughts towards me, or the need to be encouraged. I don't think it's a mistake because God tells us to encourage one another and I hope I do that enough for others just because I know how much encouragement means to me.

Oswald always knows what to say

"Whenever anything begins to disintegrate your life with Jesus Christ, turn to Him at once, asking Him to re-establish your rest. Never allow anything to remain in your life that is causing the unrest. Think of every detail of your life that is causing the disintegration as something to fight against, not as something you should allow to remain. Ask the Lord to put awareness of Himself in you, and your self-awareness will disappear. Then He will be your all in all. Beware of allowing your self-awareness to continue, because slowly but surely it will awaken self-pity, and self-pity is satanic. Don’t allow yourself to say, "Well, they have just misunderstood me, and this is something over which they should be apologizing to me; I’m sure I must have this cleared up with them already." Learn to leave others alone regarding this. Simply ask the Lord to give you Christ-awareness, and He will steady you until your completeness in Him is absolute.

A complete life is the life of a child. When I am fully conscious of my awareness of Christ, there is something wrong. It is the sick person who really knows what health is. A child of God is not aware of the will of God because he is the will of God. When we have deviated even slightly from the will of God, we begin to ask, "Lord, what is your will?" A child of God never prays to be made aware of the fact that God answers prayer, because he is so restfully certain that God always answers prayer.

If we try to overcome our self-awareness through any of our own commonsense methods, we will only serve to strengthen our self-awareness tremendously. Jesus says, "Come to Me . . . and I will give you rest," that is, Christ-awareness will take the place of self-awareness. Wherever Jesus comes He establishes rest— the rest of the completion of activity in our lives that is never aware of itself."

Starting over

2008-08-07T22:15:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time.

I don't write anymore, like I used to.

I forget what I do, or what's going on in my life.

I'm so sos ososososo consumed with the world.

I'm frustrated with me. I wish I kept up with this more, for my own sake.

Do you think in heaven you won't forget things?

Today, I went to camber and Kevin got a haircut. It looked good. Service started, and I sat with David, Mandy, Tamara and them. After worship I heard the wind blowing through the cracks in the doors, and I heard the lightning, so I went outside. And it was raining. And I thought that since God created the rain it would be okay to miss church. I think God was okay with that. I stood outside and met with Ryan, and old friend I haven't gotten a chance to talk to in a while. He's much older than me, almost twice my age, but it's okay because I feel like I get along with older people. We just talked about things we used to do and things we want to do and things we should be doing because I think we forget a lot. We found a basketball that the students use, and played basketball, using our arms as hoops, and then played some wall ball in the rain. He introduced me to some of his other friends, and we talked for a good amount of time too, I'd say 30-45 minutes. Before Ryan and I went back inside, we saw a huge beetle and put it on his shoe. I snuck up behind his friend that was a girl and tried to throw it on her but she saw us and screamed really loud. I think the people inside heard. It didn't come off, and Ryan was the closest person to me so I thew it at him and he ran across the parking lot. It was fun! We went back inside and enjoyed the rest of the service. Afterwards everyone went out to enjoy the rain again. David and i did a little dance. I felt bad because I didn't hang out with the people I had went with originally - Nate and Michael and I went to fresco before.

Overall it was a good day, and I beat myself for not recording all of this. I can't make excuses for my laziness, but I think that when I get to heaven, I won't have to worry about remembering.

Do you think God lets us remember everything we did here in heaven? Because there are a lot of things I don't want to forget.

Oh, Oswald

2008-08-05T22:32:00.001-07:00

"God called Jesus Christ to what seemed absolute disaster. And Jesus Christ called His disciples to see Him put to death, leading every one of them to the place where their hearts were broken. His life was an absolute failure from every standpoint except God’s. But what seemed to be failure from man’s standpoint was a triumph from God’s standpoint, because God’s purpose is never the same as man’s purpose."

Think think think

2008-08-03T12:51:00.003-07:00

First of all, to my last blog, I stated that my father's parent's really didn't care about them. And until after a phone call I'd received from a family member, I realized how over dramatic I made that sound. My grandparents are very loving and caring people, and sometimes we don't mean things that we say when we're tired or frustrated or 'not in the mood'.

I guess that goes for a lot of things! A lot of things are confusing. And I need to think before I speak. I need to understand and take in knowledge before I can say I know what I'm talking about.

I think that's why I'm treading so lightly right now. I don't think I know enough, I don't think I know everything, but in some situations what I do know does not make sense to a lot of people, and what a lot of people know to be true doesn't make sense to me. When I try to speak it doesn't come out right in other people's ears, and when they speak it doesn't sound right to me either, so I'm questioning myself.

School started last monday, almost a week ago. School does not feel the same. A lot of people have graduated, a lot of people have changed, I'm meeting new people, facing new challenges. Over the summer I felt so free from 'the world', and I'm trying very hard not to get into that.

I'm trying really hard not to be on the computer a lot either. I think it's because I don't remember this week, really. I guess it hasn't been much, and therefor my brain really hasn't taken anything huge from this week and stuck it in my memory bank, but I think I need to make life exciting. I can't wait for it to be.

I have a lot of homework, but after that I'll try to do something exciting without going on the computer.

I miss you!

What does it mean to be successful?

2008-07-28T17:23:00.006-07:00

Neither of my parents grew up with any sort of spiritual background. My father's parents could care less if he was dead or alive, and my mother's grandparents started a church, but her closer family moved away when my mother was only 5. I came to know the Lord really really really with my own decision in the 7th grade at Cornerstone. My mother was happy for me, and my dad said I could believe what I wanted.

For a long time, my mother was hesitant about ever going to Cornerstone. She'd heard stories of them being too loud, people smoking and making out in the back of the church. She thought it was a bad place, until I made her come to Christmas service where she cried, and has been going ever since.

My mother and I had always seemed to be on the same page as far as our views of Christ until recently. I guess I started to step beyond just what I was learning at church, and pulled out some books, and started to read myself. And learn myself. And my out views have changed in a lot of ways.

What concerns me is how the wealth of the world is divided so so so unevenly, and though we can't get it all back until God melts every heart, it's been such a struggle decided what I want to do in my life, and what I want to do about THAT issue.

My mother has always told me that school comes first, best effort, best education, best degree, get all the money you want, and spend it the right way. Only work 3 days a week, get a paid to be off, and spend your time with the kids in Africa, give your money to build houses and schools. She talks so much about how important money is. How I think so much about living life for God, but it's not 'reality'. I need money to live, and I need money to support and provide for my family. Which, is true.

Shane Claiborne wrote how he basically became homeless and reached out into people just in his community (truth be told that, although people get to here the Gospel several times in the U.S., it's no good if it's the wrong Gospel, or if it was set by a bad example. And I think regardless the fact if they'd heard it or not, there's still just as big a party when a sinner becomes saved) in his book The Irresistible Revolution. He got money from people who already had money, and he spent his life focused on the lives of other's and assuring Jesus was their personal savior, and by letting God handle who gave the money and how much.

A lot of people without money do it. They ask the people who have money to give it to the right causes besides bigger houses and nicer cars and things. Is it better that way? Is it better to explain the cause to get the money? Or is it better to work a high paying job where people are most likely paying thousands to you for your service (dentistry, being a doctor, graphic design, etc.) and use your money that way. I think that's tricking almost, and it's not even first hand.

Jesus also said that the beggar who gives his 2 pennies to the church has more faith than the rich man who only donated a few hundred. The beggar has more trust and gave everything he had, while the rich man only donated what he felt was sufficient.

I hear the words 'success' and 'successful' a lot. I go to one of the top high schools in the state, and all the teachers are just talking about making money and 'being successful?'

What does it mean to be SUCCESSFUL? Successful in CHRIST? Is it getting the good education and the high paying job and using your money for Christ and to do good with it like my mother suggests? Or is it being a person who puts Christ first, and seeks the hearts of those who have held the money and hopes that God would melt their heart and ultimately like Shane. Is it having a regular job and doing your best to support what you can? Is it about having your job being Christ related? Or is it not even about that?

Where does money come in play with being successful in Christ?

How does this all fit together?

What you feel only matters to you

2008-07-25T01:41:00.004-07:00

"...it's what you do to the people you say you love that matters, it's the only thing that counts"

First post in a while, it's a hefty one!

Lately I've been having trouble showing love go the people I say I love, and ultimately that's disobeying Jesus. I could talk about my friends, but I'd also like to point out the world. A missionary came to Merge the other day, and he asked us 'Who here loves Jesus?' and of course the entire room raises their hand. His message was about Jesus' command of loving our neighbors (ultimately, everyone around us), and that not showing love to your neighbors isn't following Jesus at all. We can mumble all day about how we want to be nice to strangers, how we hope that Africa will get a miracle. But we are supposed to be that miracle. Those foreign countries and even areas in our own communities are our neighbors! And the feeling and longing for them to be given food and home and a shelter and, most importantly, the relationship with Jesus, is just a feeling. It only matters to us. What we do about it is what will make the difference.

So,

I'll be starting a club at school this year, and I'm thinking about calling it 'Pocket Change'. Here's the deal...

- Hamilton High School has 3,300 students.
- Blood:Water Mission is currently on a mission to raise enough money to build 1,000 wells in different countries in Africa.
- It costs an estimated $2,000 to build a well
- If every student in the school donated $5 over the course of the entire school year just from their 'pocket change', thatds be about $16,500
- $16,000 divided by $2,000 is 8, or 8 wells that could be built.
- It costs an estimated $2 to print the new testament in a native language.
- The remaining $500 divided by $2 is about 250 bibles.

Just because we are in school across the world doesn't mean we are 'stuck'. I want to leave here SO BAD at times. Sometimes I'm tired of parental confinement, school confinement, this whole system of who's hot who's not, but God doesn't always give us what we want. He'll discipline us, sweetly or straightforward. God has us here because He can use us. I'm asking for help. It's not going to be easy. Especially in high school. I'll need about 15 people total willing to help, a teacher sponsor, and lots and lots of prayer that we go a out this the right way. That we would not be afraid to share but to show respect as well. To give reason and show people a purpose. To not be focused on how much money we really get, but how much love and heart we can show to the 3,300 other students who God has a plan for, and that that would spawn the beneficial money towards saving lives. Man, that is SO hard for me to remember. I mean we're all guilty of having that friend that doesn't know Jesus and they don't want to bother so we keep quiet. Or sometimes people think some are impossible to convince. I listened to an old Merge sermon where Ryan threw his life infront of the stage. He didn't hide anything, he told us his troubles through high school, through growing up, but God took a "peice of junk" and "bragged with it." Jesus had the sinners and tax collectors all over him. Let's not forget about the people here too, that don't know Jesus, because we are their examples and could very well be the reason they see Jesus is calling us to something different, or we could also be the reason they stay away. Anyways, I hope some of you would like to help.

I'd like to apologize, too. For not always practicing what I preach. For pushing out my chest sometimes. I forget who gives me courage and the words to speak, and I thank you for those of you who remind me, and don't make me feel like an idiot about it (haha), but who aren't afraid to keep me in check rather.

In other news, school starts Monday. I talked to Travis Chavez in Tijauana a few nights ago on the phone. It was nice catching up! With Keira Jennet in Kenya, too! (Click on both of those links! They're AMAZING! Seriously. Do it). Except thru the computer. The world is so small. I had a blast at some birthday parties, celebrated some birthdays at shows, and have been hanging with some new friends that really keep me going. And I still have those true friends (+ more) that are still tagging along side me and I appreciate so much! Missing some people too. Things just change I guess...

Agh, so much stuff to talk about. Follow me on twitter if you're really interested!

Love all of you!

-Chris

P.S.

I love feedback! Tell me I'm wrong, tell me I'm right. Read this, watch that. Connect things, give me ideas. I know I'm not in this alone. God gave me a community!

Careful Hands

2008-07-14T01:27:00.002-07:00

"Put your coat on, this city trembles.
Keep your chin up, as you untangle God
From cold blood and bruises.

We are X-rays of something broken.
Cursive bloodlines write every forecast:
An orchestration Of dissonance and innocent surrender.

When our color dies,
We will bury the ashes of time,
And we will earn new eyes.

Wrists get tired rewriting futures.
Our bodies beg us to be creatures of habit.
We are creatures of habit.

Only with careful hands
We’ll turn their fangs into feathers and cures.
Only with careful hands
We’ll divide the prisoner
From the pioneer.

Clever beauty,
Umbrellas folding.
In architecture, our lines will measure
A map to find us.
Blue ink will guide us home.

Cranes are creeping, lifting metal,
We will find new ways to settle,
Tipping scales from the killer to its prey.

I can feel the weight around us,
Climbing every rib inside us,
A sanctuary in a lion’s mouth"

I think that if

2008-07-13T01:34:00.003-07:00

the worst things I can complain about
is my computer running too slow
or my father being aggressive
then my life is pretty comfortable.

And I'm getting really tired of comfortable.
I'm praying for something to wake me up
Whatever is blocking me
I just need to break down

And I think that starts here

These next two weeks will be a pain

2008-07-12T02:20:00.004-07:00

It's currently 2 AM and this is my new sleep schedule my body is being adjusted to
In 16 days I'll have to be sure that I can make myself awake by 6 because I'm taking a zero hour class this upcoming year. I don't always know what I'm working for, or why I plan on putting so much effort into this, but I guess work, regardless of the matter, is good for rounding out your edges.

Life hasn't been bad. I've been reading a lot lately. Reading for school, reading for wisdom, and reading just for the sake of good authors with no purpose besides just writing itself. And In all of this I've been taking notes and trying to become better at memorizing but I realize my sleeping habits aren't helping, so I have to review several times a day.

I don't always know what I want to remember when I read, so in result I write down more than I think I should. I don't know what it's doing for me now, but I hope that sometime in the near future these notes will become more useful. And sometimes the inability to just remember off the bat is frustrating and inconvenient when reflecting things. I never pick up on little details, just the story in general.

I guess it's all just having some kind of clever side I guess. Dallas Willard talks about cleverness in his book The Divine Conspiracy. It was convicting when I read it, but realized God wired all of us to want to be something more.

I hope I'm doing the right thing in my life right now. Goly, I think everybody is thinking that. In my head it's "prepare now, serve later" but I don't think I'll ever be fully prepared, and they're always be a need that needs to be served, regardless of who I am or what it is. I think I get wrapped up elsewhere. C.S. Lewis said "If Satan can't steal your soul, he'll give you meaningless work to do instead". I hope I'm not doing meaningless work.

It's a hard parade, just be courageous

I'm upset that my age is catching up with me...

2008-07-08T01:19:00.005-07:00

My whole life I've been told "you look older than you really are!"
or "you're more mature than most people your age."

I'll be a sophomore, and my foot size hasn't changed in a year. I've grown half an inch since the end of 8th grade. My hair is the same, my face the same. Pictures a year ago look like they were taken last week.

And looking back on it all right now, turning 16 this year, I think I could've done a lot of better things with my time. The heart was always there, just nothing to pump the blood. I wont loath, but I'd hate to feel the same when I graduate high school.

Nathan told me the story about a student he had at his old church, who'll be a freshman this year, who's raised over $100,000 total in a program he started called "Hoops for Hope". He asked people to sponsor him according to amount of free throw shots he made on his own, or something along those lines, and the money he'll get will be donated to a village in Africa. He started in in 6th grade. He'll be a freshman this year. Wow, talk about not wasting your time! They've built a hospital and school with that money.

I spend more time mapping out the trip then trusting the signs on the freeway that tell me how to get there.

Huh? Revalutia what?

2008-07-06T15:00:00.002-07:00

If you know something, and you know it's right, and you feel it's right, why don't you do it?

Do you think God gives people different outlooks on things to fill out different parts of "the body of believers"? You know, the toe nail no one wants to b except Bobby who, or, i dunno, somethin? People claim God states His thoughts and what he wants clearly.

If you've got something you feel is right, how do you propose it to an environment where everyone else thinks they feel right, too?
And what do you do if they won't listen?

Do you start something on your own?
Isn't that how all churches have started?

I guess you have to ask first.

Why don't we just say "the church" like Jesus referred it to.
Why are we so broken up today?
And how do you bring everybody back together?

Jesus says it's all summed up in loving your neighbor as yourself.
And I think it's when there's little details that disregard us from that, we separate.

Nate said today there'd be a lot of changes.
I hope there's a lot of changes with a lot of love, because I don't think there's enough!

I think people get bored of a Jesus when there's no opportunity

3 hours ahead

2008-06-29T22:00:00.002-07:00

Hello folks!
It's 1 AM here in PA
Though the post probably tells otherwise.

My trip has been going great. I've seen the bussiest city of New York, ridin rides, ate cheap seafood, and have experienced a new lifestyle I've never been exposed to. I'd never been further east than New Mexico, and this time I went all out, I suppose.
Truthfully though, my favorite part so far has been these small little beatles that come out only for an hour or so right before dark. Little bugs called fireflies, or lightning bugs. At first sight, I was fascinated. These things are really amazing.

I'll definitely have to do a wrap up blog when I'm finished. I'm heading back to NYC in the morning, have to be up in 4 hours.

Who reads this blog anyways?

Miss all of you

Leaving for the East Coast in 2 Hours

2008-06-23T02:30:00.003-07:00

Plane leaves at 6 something.
I'm finishing up The Irresistible Revolution right now.
Don't care how late it is!

I can't wait to see the place. I hear it's gorgeous, the whole area in general.
But I'm also excited to see a different life style

I was talking to my mother, and she said "You're going to meet a lot of really weird, strange people on the busses and trains"
and I said, "No, you're just telling me I'll meet people that aren't like me and you."

She got frustrated, I giggled. But really. This whole book that I'm reading takes place on the east coast. I even considered visiting the Simple Way, and then thought I was over my head.

I still wish my family saw on a somewhat similar level. Then they'd realize what I'd really want to get out of a trip like this. Instead of being a tourist I'd like to meet some people.

But I guess that's for later when I'm on my own. I still deny that though i'm young i'm powerful.

Text me! I'll miss you guys.

I've never realized

2008-06-20T21:24:00.002-07:00

how much I think about what other people are thinking about me
or care about how much other people are thinking about me
And how I look at others and compare myself to them when I feel awkward.

It's weird that this has been the first thing that has moved me in a while,
But ever since I've bought these "ugly, cheap, granny slip-on shoes" that do good called Toms, I've well been moved.
It coulda been the color scheme, I don't know. But they don't bother me, yet they do to everyone else
It makes me wonder how worse it is for the poor, the obese, the awkwardly-sexual oriented, the disabled, etc.
They have something people think are weird that, in a lot of cases, they can't change.
And if people make me feel this bad just for shoes
I couldn't imagine for anyone else frowned upon for situations that don't even begin to describe someone's character.

Honestly, I don't believe that it's truly a big ol' bully's motive for beating kids, but now I understand why it break people down.
I've seen how much this society has gotten into all of our brains.
One thing not socially accepted and people flip because it doesn't look like what they're used to.
I was at two concerts this weekend, and 99% of the guys there were either wearing Vans or Flip-Flops, no lie.
So I took a look at my closet and saw how much I conformed, yet realized that there are so few ways you could not literally "look" like the rest of the world.
I've read over several scriptures and even books telling me to not be sucked into this world, and I had never thought I was
Until I felt out of place because of what other people had said to me.
And I realized that it was only that way because society has made it that way.

And it's only shoes.

It's also surprised me what people I thought had it all figured out in their minds have said
I'm not trying to say I'm better than anyone else or smarter based of their remarks,
because as I mentioned early I have the same flaw
But now I have a bit more respect for those who don't fit the "image"
And I think I'll have to pray for wisdom and a more mature ways of thinking about others
But regardless of what you say, I payed for these shoes, I'm not wasting it, and I think they look fine. I'll wear 'em
And I guess I'll see how bad they really bother people, or maybe see who really isn't going to bother me about it
After all, It's just, shoes. They'll rot and waste away, and won't follow me to heaven, where the most valued things are used for cement, and rust and moth don't break things down.

:)

Well it's almost Thursday.

2008-06-18T23:48:00.004-07:00

And I've been out of school for 3 weeks. Yesterday morning was spent packing at the Guards. It just seemed like I was helping them get ready for a vacation, you know, like a permanent vacation. Except next time I see them they'll be staying in a bigger sized "hotel room", with jobs and the knowledge of small, local food places that are good. Besides chipotle, because I know they can't live without Chipotle. I didn't feel shaken, maybe it's because I haven't felt shaken by anything in a long long while, but I mostly feel like it's because I know I'll see them again, and I know we'll keep in touch. God does great things, and the Guards followed the call and God will take care of 'em.

This morning I woke up and headed out for a crazy little photo-shoot for our youth group's next lake day. The pictures turned out phenomenally. I think it's David, really. He has the personality of a model. Haha!

Click that picture for more!

My ears are still ringing. Just got home from seeing Goodnight Darling play. They're super good, the next big thing. Check them out. While there, though, we sat outside the venue waiting for the show to start. People are gathering out front of this church called OnePlace in Downtown Phoenix, and this guy in Khaki's, a beige button-up, some sun glasses, and a bag comes up and asks "Is this where everyone hangs out around here?". Tallia and I just look at each other, and begin to talk about how, generally, people who are here are from all over the valley just to see this band play. The man explains that he has just gotten out of prison, and it's his first time seeing anyone outside of the place in 10 years. I really didn't know what to say from there, and the man thanked us for letting him know what was going on and walked away. I guess I could've let him off asking if he knew Jesus, seeing we were standing in front of a church. And this man probably had nothing; no family that wanted to see him, no friends, not a place to live. The man could've been Jesus, and I wish I could've left him with something better. He had obviously been searching for knew friends, realizing that his old friends weren't so smart, or that they weren't loyal. Do you ever think that God has specific tasks for each of us to do, and if we don't get them done then the task will never surface? There's stories where God has chosen other people to work for Him, but do you ever think that if we all listened to the call, but were afraid to because we weren't used to it, then Christ would be a lot more noticeable within our country, or even the world? And are there a lot of things God already planned to do, but no one was sufficient for it, or disobeyed the call? Especially dealing with the wide-spread knowledge and following of Jesus being the basis of our reason behind our faith.

"My old man always swore that hell would have no flame
Just a front row seat
To watch your true love pack her things and drive away"

Do Good, Feels Good

2008-06-17T00:13:00.002-07:00

Got my first pair of Toms today.
Needed some new shoes, but really did it for the cause.
Buy a pair, give a kid a pair.

click the pic for more info!

They're comfy too

Rotation

2008-06-15T21:01:00.002-07:00

Hume 2008, the week I had been counting down since June 17th of last year. I really don't know where to start, though I can say that I had a different experience than I intended, and I felt that God started my heart movement there and it still has not ended, yet I'm still not exactly sure where he is taking me now. I ended up in a cabin with Nate, the new youth pastor, David, Max, Kevin, Jeremy, Jon, Jordan, Sam, and Salvador (a few new kids that I had not met). Ultimately, I really only knew Sam and Kevin. The relationships between the rest of the boys has definitely strengthened since day one.

The theme "Rise of the Kinematics" makes you think of robotic gear (which the teams 'Robos' and 'Bots' originate from), yet the word "Kinematic" is really the idea of moving without a cause, reason, or understanding. The truth is that many christians, and often myself, do things without truly understanding why we do them, and the goal of the Hume staff was really to explain why Jesus had to die, why he was the only one who's bloodshed would free us from sin, and why we should live a rational faith, not a blind faith.

To be completely honest, I'm still processing everything. I think when I returned home last year I was being a bit selfish and only cared that i was fulfilled emotionally. This year, although I had a great time, met wonderful people, and had crazy experiences (High Adventure!), I think God wanted me focused on Him rather than the place, which is exactly what he got me to do. I'm looking over my notes and re-listening to the sermons, and praying. It's hard to convince myself that I was even there, because I don't have that high that I felt last year. It's mostly myself wrestling with God on a lot of levels about different things. But Hume definitely showed me how loud God can speak when you separate yourself, and how he will change your heart before he changes circumstances, as told to me by Nick Vujicic a few months back.

I don't know if it's the right thing to be waiting for, but I'm just waiting for something to click, something to hit me in the face, something to throw me off course and open myself to something my heart is being so cautious about.

LEAVING FOR HUME IN 19 HOURS AND 25 MINUTES

2008-06-07T01:35:00.001-07:00

I've never been more excited
my myspace is decked out all Hume style.

I just got back from a Maria Taylor show with Lisa and that's all we could talk about

can't can't wait!!!!!!

write me e-mails

here

:)

I leave for Hume tomorrow

2008-06-06T00:23:00.003-07:00

Simply one of the most beautiful places on earth. The sun rises perfectly over the mountain's tip at 5:43 in the morning, and the mist whispers to our eyes that it'll be a warm summer day. It's funny how our eyes hear more than our ears do, sometimes.

I was on my flickr today (not trying to, you know, point you in any direction with that link), and I was on my profile, clicking through my interests. Flickr, like a lot of other networking sites, allows you to be able to click a separate interest you've listed and see if any other users share the same interest. The more detailed ones rarely got any similarities, although there are millions on flickr. Even on Hume Lake, none! Haha. But really, millions of people and not one shared the same interest of "quiet conversations" or "bingsoo", and I'm certainly upset because bingsoo is definitely some kind of delicious dessert some angel probably spilled in heaven down to earth. Few shared interests in "seeing people smile", also a few in "cold pillows" and "foggy mornings". First off, it reminds me of how unique God makes us. Then I got about clicking these people that I shared interests with, and my eyes really opened to how much people can have in common, yet have one divided line - their beliefs. Even as in Rob Bell says in "Sex God", people come from all over to enjoy a concert, as one body to see the show. It's something they all share, they all have in common. But when they go home it's back to everyone having their own beliefs, and their own things that separate them. I see this a lot. Within my friends, and within my family. Things are always going really well until religion comes up. My father reads this book about psychics and new age religion and I'm two walls over with the door closed and the bible in my hand while my sister watches this show about rich girls in her room, but we share so much in common. We are related! Some friends just stay away from it too, but we are still friends. People tell me all I can do is present the idea, and it's up to God to put it on their hearts. I also have others tell me everyone has free will, and God can't make anyone love Him. I also have others that tell me God gets to choose. Some also say not to mention it at all, and wait until they ask me why I am the way I am. "Preach the Gospel always, and use words when necessary." Sometimes people just tell me I'm a nice person, and don't think anything of how the way I act and the way I put things.

I don't really have a final thought on that. It's just that.

Note To Self :

2008-06-03T23:50:00.005-07:00

Chris,
There are some things you can't change
and there are some things you can

For those you can't, praise God for it. Honor your mother and your father, your elders, all authority.
I know I'm here (physically here, in this chair, in this neighborhood, this city, with these people) for a reason. And though I don't agree with all of it, I can't change who I've been placed with, yet I should praise God for my health, my family, my friends, and for my opportunities here with whom I've been placed with that so many don't get. I take things for granted.

For those things you can change, continue to praise God and make sure he is in the forefront of all decisions you decide upon, making sure that you understand love and joy and the comfort so provided, yet sometimes seeming so distant, is so powerful. Share it with others. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. Nothing is impossible. Don't hope for things to be done, but move your feet! Pray that you'll find encouragement, and a motive.

Everyone has a different scenario. No one aligns up perfectly. I'm positive, and there's plenty proof, that you won't live the same life as any other. It's good to take knowledge and encouragement from others, but that doesn't exactly mean that's God's plan for you. Not saying it doesn't! God is insane, and if you're convicted, great! Do it, believe it, put your heart in it. Keep in mind that, with every section of life (given to you preciously), you continue to be refined, and it's all for the better though it can be uncomfortable. God is in control. Who? God. And he wants the best for you. Don't become obsessed with anything else. Be open minded and humble, yet wise. Do not build up walls. Ask questions, and seek answers, the truth, and wisdom. Seek with your whole heart.

Love,
Chris

I'm really going out on a wing, here. The last time someone disagreed with me was Max Mullet at youth group 2 weeks ago, and I don't remember before then. I don't believe that I'm living this life so well all the time, and I think I just need someone to smack me in the face every once in a while. An encouraging smack, but a distinct one nonetheless. Who will be the first to go?

Oswald

2008-06-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

Huge waves that would frighten an ordinary swimmer produce a tremendous thrill for the surfer who has ridden them.
Let’s apply that to our own circumstances. The things we try to avoid and fight against— tribulation, suffering, and persecution— are the very things that produce abundant joy in us. "We are more than conquerors through Him" "in all these things"; not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. A saint doesn’t know the joy of the Lord in spite of tribulation, but because of it. Paul said, "I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation" - 2 Corinthians 7:4.

The undiminished radiance, which is the result of abundant joy, is not built on anything passing, but on the love of God that nothing can change. And the experiences of life, whether they are everyday events or terrifying ones, are powerless to "separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" - Romans 8:39.

A crazy day

2008-06-02T22:15:00.002-07:00

Cooling down

refreshing my memory

just, refreshing....

:)

i'm really excited. i'm not sure exactlyyy what, or exaccttlyyyyyy why

i just am

Almost a week in

2008-06-01T23:48:00.002-07:00

and I still feel like I'm in school. I suppose it's the abundance of events that keeps my days feeling like a super busy weekend. Grad parties, bowling, movies, friends houses, late nights, Birthday parties, video games, sleep overs, more parties. Hah! It's easy to be consumed by everything, although I have making time to read and relax as well. Twitter is good for following.

Today was something different. We were presented with a new youth pastor. The situation was far from expected, and a guy ,who is local and familiar with some friends, was invited on to stage. He presented himself fairly well among the students and leaders, but I seem to have felt a way that some others did, too. It was time for me to break down the wall. Ryan Guard did not leave my mind. It was not him who told me to keep this wall up, because he has taught me well! I love him for that. And I hope that we still can talk like it's Sunday morning even as his adventure continues, but you'd probably be startled at how many people and things remind me of the way he speaks. The way he presented himself seemed so original in my eyes that I felt like any other who would do the same just wasn't being original. Or sometimes it didn't feel the same. And I realize that it's just some other thing keeping me where I am. Though Ryan will always have his big comfy place in my heart, there's others who can teach me from the same stage. So my heart opened up a little, and I followed a little more of his footsteps, and his actions. He's a very nice fellow, and his family is amazing as well. I've gotten to know his kids and stuff, and they're nice kids! I don't expect, but hope that this new coming will somehow connect everyone together again. Maybe this is someone who will listen, too. Maybe the church doesn't like listening sometimes. People have left cornerstone because they feel forgotten. And some recent decisions aren't making too many people feel on fire. The more I read, and the more I learn, the more I feel the inspiration to start a new type of church. Silly, for someone my age to think about I suppose. Maybe I'm just being naive. I don't want to continue to go somewhere where the rules are kind of bent, and Jesus is in 90% of the room, but they still spent all of that money on that big screen that could've done something better. I'm seriously about to ask my mother if I can give my clothes and bed and dresser and sell my television. I don't need it. I only need few clothes. My mattress is comfortable. Blankets, a few sheets. I recently read the Irresistible Revolution, and in chapter 4 Shane brings up the story when Jesus tells the rich man to give all he owns to the poor. Maybe he was just saying so because the rich man was ruled by money, and if you have control over money a little better than he did, God wouldn't ask you because he knows what your rules importances are. This is really long! Sorry if you have to read through all of this. I'm just rambling now. I've switched through about 4 topics.

But my question(s) is(are) - what does it mean to live for Him? To follow Him, and not use a high-lighter to just point out which parts of the bible that you agree with? And only what you really need? Why does God give us laptops and cell phones? They're good tools, right? But they cost money. What's God's opinion on that? What you can and can't spend your money on, if he knows it won't rule you. What would it be like to follow Him in a church like that? Where numbers don't matter. Where materialistic things don't matter. Is it right to spend your money on things that people will say "Ooh, a waterfall! Nice! Anddd, they clean their floors. ANDDDD the paint looks nice. I want to go to THIS church...". What would it look like if there's a plain building on the side of the road with the paint chipping off the walls, but everyone inside is on fire and worshipping and using their abilities to reach about beyond the walls. A church that won't keep to themselves more than just once every month. Are there already ones out there like that? When will there be one? Who will start one? Which church is the church Jesus REALLY wanted? And if you know the difference, why not do it anyway?

I once got a little fob from Cornerstone. It had the verse that says "Never do wrong, in order to do right", or something or other. Though he's directing it towards things about decisions and actions on a more of a lying and telling the truth basis, what about how you run the church? If you know it's wrong, even if it'll "bring more people", it's not right, is it?"

Thank you for reading! Let me know.

Pondering,
Chris

Conversation

2008-05-27T21:11:00.003-07:00

and disagreement help me a lot.

Wrestle wrestle.

Tomorrow is the last day of my freshman year. How was it, Chris?
Man, I never expected high school to be what I thought it was in the 6th grade, or even the 8th. Or even now, it brings new things each moment spent there.

Do you remember your freshman year?

???

2008-05-26T22:21:00.005-07:00

Every week at Merge, I get this nostalgic feeling. Or rather a hope that may or may not come soon. I think about the people coming in and out of my life. I think of how I've grown since my first day through those doors. And i reflect on who I am now. God tells us in Ecclesiastes 7:10 "Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?" For it is not wise to ask such questions". Hah, most of Ecclesiastes is just a thought-shaker, and some times a thought killer, but generally a thought provoker. I can't go on understanding that I am being refined everyday. Or understanding the God of the universe is making my lungs expand and collapse. In fact, no one can really comprehend. It's just something hard to remember. But I feel like I used to know. Is it wrong ever thinking that you were better in the past than you were now? Could I get inspired the way I used to? Or even feel like the past was better to motivate my future to become better ahead? I feel like it has a lot to do with my being unwilling to take the time to spend with God; a recent struggle. Although I tell others "God can take care of this" or "Pray about it, really. It helps" I don't always practice what I preach often anymore. But when I do I remember why those words are the first that come to my mind.

It's funny how I can go without reading for days, pick up a book, and never want to put it down. But then it's the same for another few days. It reminds me a lot of when C.S. Lewis writes in "The Screwtape Letters", how Screwtape tells Wormwood that as long as he keeps his thoughts in his head and does not put it into action, then it's all opposite of the Kingdom.

I pray for wisdom each night. And I get opportunities. I just need initiative. Please pray for that for me.

2 more days left of school! Finals tomorrow and wednesday. I can make it!

Insane Day

2008-05-24T00:08:00.003-07:00

For seniors, today was the last school day of the year.
Which means...
CHAOS

That's food fight #2.
And people throwing water bottles and food from the balcony was insane.
It was something weird though, like everyone wanted to do it. Even the nerdy kids!
Haha.

Came home, enjoyed the rest of the weather. It's been beautiful these past two days.
Went to dinner at La Casa Blanca with Alex Hallie and Tallia.
It's always fun with those guys.

This is all I have energy for!
I"m going to bed,
Nate's Grad party tomorrow!
woo!

Goodnight

This Site

2008-05-21T21:56:00.002-07:00

Is Amazing!!!!!

BRAIN RULES

There's something I'm not catching everyday

2008-05-21T00:41:00.003-07:00

That I used to be able to see
Or maybe, i just see that there's more to be found
in this day labeled May 21st, 2008
and every "bag" for each day after
i can toss it over my shoulder and carry it the easy way
or pull it up to my chin with both arms
and feel just how full a day can be
good or bad
growing or shrinking
but always with wisdom

And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Is Christ Divided?

2008-05-18T18:00:00.002-07:00

What I mean is this:
One of you says, "I follow Paul"
Another, "I follow Apollos"
Another, "I follow Cephas"
and still another, "I follow Christ

Is Chris divided?
Was Paul sacrificed for You?
Were you baptized into the name of Paul?
Christ didn't send me to baptize
but to preach the gospel.

Sure, I planted the seed, and Apollos watered it
But God made it grow.
So neither he who plants
nor he who waters is anything
but only God, who makes things grow.

We're all following the same guy, right?

If my parents told me

2008-05-17T21:35:00.004-07:00

that we were moving soon,
i don't think i'd mind so much
not that i wouldn't miss anybody here or anything
but there's been so many opportunities for me to go
yet all i could think of was friends, high school, and i was scared
but now i'd sure like a change in scenery

i think i stated this earlier, but
i wish i never got used to anything

i wish that everyday i came to school, it felt like the first day
where everything was new unfamiliar
i had no expectations from any teacher
or when it's my birthday or new years or christmas
i wish i actually got excited
or when i'm on a plane, like the first time
reading a book like i just learned to read
hearing a song as if i'd never heard it
falling asleep like i just moved into a new house
taking pictures like i hadn't taken one before
to a concert, amazed the same as my first one
conversation with friends, just as interested in them as the first day we met
with conversation still raw, and nothing watered down

falling in love with everything every time i come in contact it

3 weeks
just 3 more weeks

Time Time Time

2008-05-13T22:36:00.005-07:00

With summer less than 2 weeks away, I feel like i'll be handed six weeks. Of rest, of heartache, of renewal, we'll see.
The first time I ever came to cornerstone, Jr High and High School were combined on a Wednesday night.
I remember seeing a lot of people I weren't sure should be there, and saw some familiar faces.
I remember there was pizza and candy. And Kajabe Can Can.
But, I remember Ryan Guard speaking (When you start speaking again, you should use this. No one will have to know :p)
"Imagine you were given $86,000 each day. You couldn't put it in savings, you couldn't burry it in a whole and dig it up the next day. Whatever you spent with the money lasted for a day, and at the end of the day, you gave the money back, and started all over with $86,000 the next day."
The message continued, leading on the point where there are 86,000 seconds in a day. How do we spend our time?
"If you wanna know the value of ten years, ask a divorced couple.

If you wanna know the value of four years, ask a high school gradute

If you wanna know the value of one year, ask a student who failed a final.

If you wanna know the value of nine months, ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

If you wanna know the value of one month ask a grounded teenager.

If you wanna know the value of one hour, ask the couple waiting to meet.

If you wanna know the value of one minute, ask a someone who has missed the train, bus or plane.

If you wanna know the value of one-second, ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of one millisecond, ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
"

It comes back to me so clearly now because it was just after summer almost two years ago. And once I heard this message, I wondered what I had spent the past 6 weeks doing? There's value to time. It's not exactly money, but I guess it's close. My financial standings with my family isn't the best right now, and it looks like Hume will be the only major trip of the summer. I'm so so thankful of that. I just wish I could really see the value of my time. I know It has value, but, unfortunately, I'm one of those that has to have something happen for me to really understand in some cases. I wish so often I could hand my phone and my computer over and say "I'm done! I don't need these nor want these. They distract me from everything." Although I know they're good tools, I misuse them. It's 11, and I've been hackin away at this keyboard since I got up form my nap at 7. I guess it's discipline, isn't it? Things are okay to use, I just need to discipline myself.

But really, I want to get out there this summer. I think satan's biggest tool is putting things in your mind, but never letting you follow through with them. I want to follow through. Give me some ideas!

If you actually read through all of this, you must be super desperate. But that's very kind! :)

Tell me what you think,
Chris

Hmmm

2008-05-12T19:48:00.001-07:00

"when you give up the ability to decide for yourself, you give up what makes you, you."

Momma's Day

2008-05-11T14:15:00.006-07:00

Haha, post secret can always give you a laugh. The guy obviously didn't get the memo.

This was a really cool morning. I went to youth group, and then switched it up a bit and tagged along with Ryan to superstition springs. What I loved most about the service was that it was all about the love for your mother, really. There wasn't a catch, or eye candy, it was tugging of the heart strings. The pastor's mother stood up there and went through each of her kids and discussed how her son, the pastor of the church, lead her to Christ when he was about 14 i believe. It was really cool, actually. The part that stuck with me most was when she said that she'd asked her kids "What do you remember most about your childhood." She said he kids never replied "The clean floors, the dirty dishes, cleaning the yard, mopping, sweeping, the windows, the clean bathrooms..." or in other words, the things she really cared about. She said that her kids would always respond "Walking in the rain, the conversations, when we played chutes and ladders for hours on end..." It made me wonder what kind of father i'll be. I realize neither of my parents had even close to a decent childhood, and I can't blame them for reacting the way they do to things now. But i think that when I become a parent, the best way I'll remember to raise my kids is through the way God loves me, right? Sure, God searches the world for a creation that best reflects his love for us, but I think the mothers (and fathers?) got it from Him first. I realize now I'm stealing the glory of mothers day by putting in the father figure bits. haha!

Later in the service, the pastor brought up the name of a group on the ASU east campus called House of Refuge, almost like a bigger version of Hope House (check out both of those), and instead of giving a gift to all of the mothers in the room, all of the mother who have struggled with abuse or poverty were given new beds, a place to sleep. Not just old ones, or donated ones, but new ones. I think that's a great encouragement to someone who wants to turn their life around. I couldn't imagine even would I'd be like if I slept on the floor everyday...

Haha, but anyways, I'm going to go spend time with my mother now! Happy mothers day

oh, and 27 days until Hume!

This Weeks Update...With Tina Fey and Amy Pohler?

2008-05-08T20:55:00.007-07:00

I started a twitter, follow me there. I'm also looking for a different seat to find myself in this sunday. I wouldn't call it bailing, most likely because I'll stay. I realize that I've only been to one church, and I haven't seen what many other churches are all about. Ryan suggested Superstition, some friends go to East Valley, there's a small family church at the school across the street from my house. I'll see. I understand I'm supposed to pray for my church, and be a leader, but I'm so drained from where I am. It's like I need to fuel myself up before I becoming the big aircraft that feeds to the little other aircrafts, and where I am isn't filling me up so well. I guess I'm just looking for conversation, really. It's like I don't feel like I can teach others to grow and set an example when I'm not growing myself. Make me uncomfortable, teach me something I haven't heard before. Show me a side of a story I haven't heard.
In regards to the re-fueling, i kind of switched house groups wednesday. It was like a conversation with myself the past few months, and It really made the whole thing unenjoyable really. I don't get why people are scared, why people are silent. Maybe they're just taking it all in, but no one speaks a word! So I'm with Allan Firman now. My spirits were really raised when he asked "so, what do you guys have questions about". I was like whaaa? I didn't have a question on the spot, and I'm almost afraid he'll get tired of me coming with a list of questions each week. But I plan to move back to Jason's group eventually, although there's only like 2 more weeks of house groups. Then everyone is graduating

Other than that, my grades are super good, so I'm excited. There are 19 days left until summer, and 29 until hume lake. And here you are, glowing sun....

>

Fire, Burning Me Up

2008-05-04T19:07:00.002-07:00

Had an awfully nice weekend. Cleaned a lot yesterday, gave my dog a bath, opened up alllll of the windows in the house, and just took a breather. I realize I take a lot of those, but take them for granted. Slaves don't get weekends, breaks, or summer vacations.

I hung out with Ryan Guard again yesterday. It's always nice seeing him! Took a trip to barnes and noble and i awkwardly enjoyed an unsweetened passion tea! Haha. We got on the subject of books, and belief, and where I should work. By the way, I'd like your input, where could you see me working? :) I realized the importance of books, but my memory isn't all the dependable. Comprehension is something big I need to work on, and I got a D in Comprehension on the AIMS, the only part I did not exceed on! So, I picked up a cheap $5 journal from Ross today, and started over on the irresistible revolution. Jotted down some vocab words and did the questions, thoughts, opinions, and such cornell style. It took me about 45 minutes to annotate 15 pages, so I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong, or just being uber picky about what I write. Maybe I'll speed up, or maybe it's good that I'm not reading the book so fast. I've just got a lot to get through, and I don't see how I'm going to finish this one by summer!

If anyone really does read this:
Do you write down everything you read? Why is it important to you? How do you go about it?

3 Weeks left of School,
Chris

Hooky Hooky Hooky

2008-05-02T23:00:00.003-07:00

Slept in, nice and long today.
Parents allowed me to stay home from school.
Don't let them know i had 2 quizzes!
Went to the DMV, too. Didn't seem like a happy place.
Lots of people yelling, and upset, and waiting impatiently.
Then i got my license...
kidding.
I got my permit...
handbook.
So i can study for my permit! which i should be able to get in 31 days!
Went to Tempe Marker Place to see Raining & OK play.
I new friend Stephen is the bassist, and i hung out with Keira, Ryan, Kevin, Hallie, and some from Goodnight Darling.
I also saw Travis one last time before he left to Cali to see his family.
I'm not sure how i'll handle the next time I see him before it's 4 months.
Things generally don't hit me until I'm standing in the room, saying goodbye to someone.
Tread lightly, breathe deeply, and there go the water works...some of you know what I'm talking about! ;)
Went with Ryan to drop off Hallie, who got us completely lost on Van Buren, but it was a good ride home.
I haven't seen that kid in a while, with all of his band stuff going on.

On a freakier note, have you ever wondered if Satan really tries to scare you? Or, i don't know, make you feel weird? The devil's number is 666, right?
For example, Alex DeWitte got my a piñata for Valentine day. I chopped the head off to get to the candy, and the silk boxers with hearts on them! Thank you alex. Then, a few days ago, i put it in the top of my closet shelf. A piece of the newspaper hung was sticking out, and it was the first 3 digits of a phone number, 999 upside-down, reading 666. Yesteryday, I was going a problem in math, and constantly, I got the answer 666, and realized I was off by a digit. Now, for the weirdest, i started my 365 project, and my view have been going up and down like a roller coaster. Guess what todays view number was?

Spooky! Or I'm just bored.
I might be seeing Ryan Guard tomorrow! And I have the rest of the weekend ahead. I think i'll wake up early tomorrow and get a good morning, start.

It's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive.

Singing of His love for me,
Chris

Like A Zoologist Loves Baboons

2008-05-01T19:02:00.002-07:00

Today was nice!
I got a 96% on my math test,
and I have the best grades I've had all year.
I read some of, actually more like 2 pages, or Mere Christianity at school during conference.
C.S. Lewis is so intricate with his words and I have to re-read the page thoroughly once or twice to understand the point he's making, or even flip back the page because his details go on for so long.
I gave the book for a friend to borrow later today, and I had only read it because I had nothing better to do.
I can't wait to read it though! I'm so behind on a bunch of books I need to give back to friends, and I have a list of ones I still need to order.

Yesterday, I started this project called 365. Check that link out for more, but basically, as conceited as it sounds, I have to try to take a picture of myself a day for a year, and not repeat the same image. It seems difficult, and I think I'd like the challenge.
Check out what I've got so far by clicking the picture of my second day below. It'll take you to my photo stream.

Searching for God knows what,
Chris

So, I Lied...

2008-04-30T22:35:00.004-07:00

"Christianity has often offered little to the world, other than the hope that things will be better than heaven."

And i would have to agree.

Agree also that Jesus wrecked my life. Shane and I had a similar plan, a similar pre-time, as to put it.
Why am I trying to be first?
How does getting a good job work?

Yet I also think...
Could you work hard in school to get a good job, and not be greedy with your money?
Could you reach out to the people you work with?
Is there a Paul today like there was then?

And then there's youth group...
and the fire...

Mike Bhatti and I once walked around Downtown Phoenix. Almost a year ago. We handed out sandwiches, and had bible verses in them, with water, to people living on the streets. He introduced me to his good friend, Danny i believe his name was, and his wife. Almost 6 years they'd been in and out of Phoenix. I found it awkward that they actually travel like birds through the seasons, going north, or south, or wherever to find a somewhat better climate. I think what caught me the most was the fact that Mike had introduced this guy to Jesus, and Danny had given up drugs and alcohol, or so he said. But, living out there everyday without a consistent place to rest your head not knowing if you'll even wake up in the morning, and giving up everything you've ever felt close to because Jesus felt closer. I wonder how he is doing right now...

It makes me feel like God is everywhere. It's hard to see, but everywhere, where least expected. I think it knocks down everyone else and pulls the banner higher, shouting "I use the weak to shame the strong". And it makes me want to do something but I feel like I'm so young and I can't, and I feel weak. But maybe I can do something, and God will use me to shame the strong. It feels a bit prideful, maybe I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

I just feel helpless. I'm a 15 year old kid who's told 5 different things from 20 other people and I don't know what's exactly fact, who to talk to, and where God wants me next. It's dangerous. But I just wanna talk. Will you sit and talk with me? Is it wrong to crave such knowledge? Tell me why I should keep going! Encourage me! Tell me where I shouldn't go, tell me where I should. Tell me where you wanna go or what Jesus is doing for you right now. Tell me how you feel about this subject and why, or that subject and why. Tell me anything.

It's a pretty wide matter for such a narrow path...

Ramble ramble ramble.

Wondering where exactly "Idunnobro" is on the map,
Chris

I'm Excited

2008-04-29T21:13:00.004-07:00

For summer.
I'm excited for time on my hands.
But i'm not excited for that either, knowing me.

I'm excited for Travis.
I'm excited to see who he is when he comes back.
I'm excited for him to see me when he gets back.

After listening to his testimony Saturday, I understood more.
He appreciates so much even at the littlest of things.
He smiles when everyone else can't really find too much to smile about.
I think he understands.
I think he appreciates.
I think that's why God gave him this opportunity.
Because he'd grow so much from it.
And i think that's why I'm here, because I can learn so much from home.
I just don't see it.

I feel like I see God putting everyone else up, but I just kinda hang back.
I think I get jealous.
I think I'm missing something.

I think I should go read now.

Mmmm! Wisdom! Feed it to me...

If we try to prove to God how much we love Him, it is a sure sign that we really don’t love Him. The evidence of our love for Him is the absolute spontaneity of our love, which flows naturally from His nature within us. And when we look back, we will not be able to determine why we did certain things, but we can know that we did them according to the spontaneous nature of His love in us. The life of God exhibits itself in this spontaneous way because the fountains of His love are in the Holy Spirit.

and,

this makes me think a lot.

Goodbye 3 Day Weekend

2008-04-27T21:41:00.002-07:00

Monday is almost here.
This was a great weekend, hands down.
Thursday night Brandon stayed over.
Friday night I saw Brighten and The Summer Set Live
Got TPed by Alex and Tallia, who did a crappy job by the way.
Saturday, I slept in and caught up on my sleep! Yes!
I discovered my new power at breaking piñatas without even touching them.
Travis shared his testimony, got baptized, played charades. Then went to see Goodnight Darling and Kimmy sing at Relay For Like at midnight.
Worked all day at studio fourteen, but got a break when I heard Ron Merrel speak.

I really need to start managing my time better. I remember I used to have a schedule I planned for myself. Though my days weren't the closest thing to similar, time became balanced, and self accountability. So, maybe I'll try that again.

Instead of starting the Irresistible (I have a hard time spelling that) Revolution thanks to Ryan Guard, I'm starting Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. Any hesitations about me reading it, Ryan, tell me now! :)

Amtrak is for lovers....

2008-04-26T00:53:00.002-07:00

Another weekend in the transit station
eyes glue to hands of the rushing clocks that won't wait for just anyone
she awaits the R2 patiently
with gifts clinched under arms for her lover that she misses oh so much right now....

who wants to go on a train ride with me?

Oh, Happy Day

2008-04-24T21:30:00.000-07:00

Lifewithoutlimbs.com

It's 1 AM

2008-04-24T01:20:00.002-07:00

And i can't sleep.

Stupid insomnia.
I think I'll start reading Irresistible Revolution
or play free rice.. wooooooooo

You punched a hole in my sleeve,

2008-04-22T20:18:00.003-07:00

wrapped your love through it, and hung me on your neck, close to your heart.
You have left me on the floor with no one
You have made my mind race, and not slow down a bit,
You have jumbled my thoughts, and re-worded my questions
and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's been about a week since I've posted, but I'm on the ladder once again.
It's always people climbing the ladder that inspire others to climb.
No one ever gets off the ladder and tells people "hey, you should be climbing"
But that's what I was doing.
I thought I could give myself a modified "rest"
Which, in reality was no rest truly
And i understand now God never wanted that for me.

It is most definitely the time of change here.
People are quickly moving in and out of my life as of the last two months, starting with one and leading to a chain of those going off. I think I was called to stay. I also have no choice because, hah, I'm a freshman. What are my goals here? What am I trying to get to?

You are only experiencing my thoughts. I've been sleep deprived, starting from Saturday night. Travis and I's rendezvous kept me out late :), and hiking, and then school, and now blah.
I'm doing surprisingly well. My lowest grade is an 80%, with just 2 B's and 4 A's! I think I could pull off a fair grade this quarter.

I'm up on my feet again, but I'm folding my sheets so they'll be ready for next time. There's a time for everything, right?

Wishing you could stay,
Chris

Staying awake

2008-04-14T19:11:00.003-07:00

I argue a lot on what is really morally "right", and morally "wrong".

I think I base my friendships on a lot of it. But I think I've found myself in a bit of a ditch, where it seems as if things aren't the same between the people who I felt close to. And I think these are some of the reasons. Here's things I've been experiencing in friendships:

Oh yeah, things are really funny. Life is fun, people are hilarious. But how far? What does cussing mean to you?
Drinking? Smoking? Is hookah considered smoking? What about smoking tea (something my friends are getting into)?
Smoking is smoking, isn't it? What about having sex before marriage? I mean, you have to let yourself out someway...right?

Do humans make exceptions?

What does it mean to have a friendship founded on Christ?
I think living a regular life seems so tempting, and people try to mix the two and get away with it.

I'm totally lost in this. I can't remember the last deep conversation I've had. Other than today, everything has been completely random, and somewhat a blur for these past few weeks. I feel somewhat lost in social discussions now, because it feels like it's something I'm missing. It seems like people aren't interested in conversation so much anymore, and there's not a source where I feel like I can ask questions openly. Maybe there is, and I'm just totally blinded.

You can only spend so much time with yourself.

Waiting upon your thoughts,
Chris

"Teach me something, your words are truly my inspiration..."

I forgot to mention yesterday

2008-04-10T21:14:00.002-07:00

I kicked hallie's phone 8 stories from the roof of the parking garage.

Sorry hallie!!!!!!!

I luffff youuu

Heh!

2008-04-09T23:28:00.004-07:00

Took the easiest test ever today.

Test was handed out at 12:00, handed it back at 12:34, then took an hour and a half nap in class.

65 questions. swooshhh

(almost) literally:

how do you raise fish for testing?

a) put them in a tank and keep it well maintained and the fish well fed
b) catch them from the river
c) keep them in your bath-tub
d) what are "fish"?

Haha, watch me fail it.

Then hung out with Lydia and Hallie (she's been my shadow, huh?), went to the tempe parking garage
Discussed at church. I like those conversations.

I need peace of mind. My brain isn't slowing down.

I suck at blogging!

so, how's your week been? :)

looking up,
Chris

I think this is the furthest

2008-04-07T20:19:00.003-07:00

away i am from where I should be

And I think God is really pushing himself onto me
but I'm kind of shrugging it off.

I think something I do too much is long too much on how things used to be
and procrastinate on what the future should be like.

Iris Lee, a senior at my school, got accepted into Princeton, Harvard, and Yale.
I think the temptation of being so smart and feeling so good being accepted into such places is going to deprive me from time
of God and his plan.
Maybe there's a balance of both, but I'm barely making it now with just honors classes. I'll be in AP human geography next year, along with zero hour. I'm not quite sure what I should do. I think I'll start a schedule, I'm just bad at routine. My days are always eventful, and plans are always changing.

And there's these conversations that aren't rising up from the ground. And things getting to me that really aren't big deals.
But things are kept to myself more now. Things are just different.

Just another season right?

Not all things are bad though. I went hiking this sunday morning with Alex, Jason, Keira, Kevin, the Gunkel's and Colton. Seriously had a great time, and we plan on going again soon.

And driving to the top of South Mountain at dusk with Jason and Hallie, and the suns game later that night with her made her coming back already worth it. I've missed you so much, darling!

Looking brighter, I promise,
Chris

---- Edit ----
Wait wait wait.
Thank you, Ryan
Luke 15
I want to see you again soon!

Sing, With Your Head Up

2008-04-03T19:08:00.002-07:00

"With your eyes closed.
Not because you love the song, but because you love to sing. Because you love to sing..."

I don't really know the words to this part of my life, but I'll keep singing like I do. Because I love singing.
Maybe I should read that book full of reliable lyrics.
Maybe I just need someone to sing with me.

Maybe I just ramble and type because I don't want to do my homework or study for the world history test tomorrow.

Maybe it's all of it.

sdkfa;lfjfg;

2008-04-02T21:38:00.002-07:00

Today was a very notable day, for several reasons.

My good friend Hallie returned from Oregon! and today was her first day back at school. She surprised me by coming into english, after I saw her schedule and realized we had no classes together. Then she got it changed at last minute when she realized how easy her class was. She came over after school and we chatted, laughed, remembered the good old times. Very nostalgic, right?

Ryan Guard occupied the next half of my evening. I hadn't seen that booger in a couple of weeks. It was refreshing; I don't feel like I've had a good conversation like that in some time. I had a lot I was thinking about, so I'm not sure if my words came out correctly. I think I told him that I only went to church because I had nothing else to do. haha! I didn't think about it until Katie asked me at church later on what Ryan and I talked about. I also remember giggling, mostly because the employees at starbucks were in a meeting that reminded us of a 3rd grade class room. "If you can hear me, clap twice...". Then we considered buying a basketball hoop for these downtown kids, but ran out of time. I'll be dumpin my piggy bank later to see if I can afford one! Or maybe just save up to plant a well for some tribes. You know, cuz everyone does that.

Merge was nice as well. I met this girl, Jade from Tennessee. She lived out in the boondocks, I guess, and had never had Jamba Juice or Carls Jr before. I began asking her things as if she were a martian. "Have you heard of Dillards? McDonalds? Chipotle?" it was funny.

I wonder a lot if where I'm going is right. I see a lot of things going on around me that seem to be isolating me. But I'm not sure the reason. I have ideas. And I want to know more. I'm a little quiet at first, a bit uncoordinated, but I'm down for chatting about life whenever. I have to cut this short...

Mother is calling,
Chris

Just 66 more days...

2008-04-01T21:58:00.002-07:00

i miss it so much

My dear Wormwood,

2008-03-31T22:18:00.002-07:00

"It remains to consider how we can retrieve this disaster. The great thing is to prevent his doing anything. As long as he does not convert it into action, it does not matter how much he thinks about his new repentance. Let the little brute wallow in it. Let him, if he has any bent that way, write a book about it; that is often an excellent way of sterilising the seeds which the Enemy plants in a human soul. Let him do anything but act. No amount of piety in his imagination and affections will harm us if we can keep it out of his will. As one human has said, active habits are strengthened by repetition, but passive ones are weakened. The more often he feels without acting, the less he will be able to ever act, and, in the long run, the less he will be able to feel.

Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape"

Books that get into your head are really really good books.

My aunt told me today that if you routinely do something for 21 days straight, your mind sets it as a habit.

I wonder if it works backwards? I need to start tomorrow... there's things I don't want to be habits anymore.

If Ryan Guard is reading this, I miss you! Let's hang out soon. You live down the street for cryin out loud and some dog bones...

So so tiny and insignificant,
Chris

I Wish I Never Got Used To Things

2008-03-27T17:53:00.002-07:00

Sitting in class.
Sleeping in my bed.
Eating food generally.
Healthy and available water.

It all just gets soo, hmm, generalized in my brain.

I got one of those feelings again. Where things aren't right, but they used to be. And for quick seconds I feel the way I used to feel about these things. It's uncontrollable. You're probably thinking I'm a freak! Well...that's partly true! hah :)

Spring is making life really well. The flowers blooming from the trees are my inspiration.

I'm almost done with Through Painted Deserts! I think I'll spend a few more weeks in the bible before I move on to my next book.

Cousins should be here soon.

My newest addiction:

Arizona Green Tea

Mmmmmmm.

Patient,
Chris

Spring Break is over

2008-03-24T21:26:00.002-07:00

Hah, i actually worked on a bit of an assignment tonight, which signifies that Spring Break is over, and I'm already behind on school work. Tomorrow is the first day back to school, and I already know that -

I've got a Biology test tomorrow
My World History project is due in a week
I need to start reading 1984
I left my math binder in math class
Swimming in p.e. is starting up again soon
There's only 9 weeks left of my freshman year
and 75 days until Hume Lake :)

Today, I went up to South Mountain to go hike a bit with my good friends Jason and Trace, i think that's how you spell his name.
We basically wandered aimlessly amongst the cacti and bushes and people who looked like they knew where they were going,
and didn't get to see a view, but we did do a bit of rock climbing. It was a great day, plenty of sun with a clear sky.
The breeze felt nice as well.

I have only 100 pages left in my book "Through Painted Deserts",
and I have to read "The Catcher In the Rye"
and
"The Perks Of Being A Wallflower"
and a few books my friends have lent me that I need to return.
Reading and writing consume me a lot now.

And I don't know exactly where I'm going otherwise.
Because your morals have changed,
and it seems like it's been a joke.
I've given energy, but we stay in the same spot.

I miss you, really...

Now, go feed people. And don't mind my rambling..

Anxious,
Chris

Im a bit scared

2008-03-23T20:48:00.003-07:00

I'll forget important things.
But i don't think I should be.

It's just kind of a thought.
I have this journal, but I rarely write in it. I think I've screwed over the meaning of a journal.
I try to correspond it with my photography, which works occasionally. But i think It'd hold my thoughts more specifically.

These past few days, I've felt the strangest I believe I've ever felt. Things have come out I wouldn't have expected. And It's really shaping my next footsteps. But everything happens for a reason. You see, if we forgot about our pasts we wouldn't understand why we are the way we are today.

"Where we are...there are no ceilings where we are. I could be anywhere as long as Im with you."

Happy Easter,

Infinite Love,
Chris

Digesting, Sitting, Pondering, Etc.

2008-03-22T23:25:00.003-07:00

Galatians 6:1-5

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.

I'm Not Doing Anything On Here

2008-03-20T22:38:00.001-07:00

I could be doing so much more.

Ice Cream Truck

2008-03-18T17:09:00.003-07:00

I've been squished silly with business since i got home.
Im the filling in the oreo.
dskfjas;df

i like keeping busy though. It keeps me on my feet.
Last night I watched the sunset from the top of a parking garage on mill avenue.
Great view, i'll take you there sometime :)

Im waiting for my books to arrive. Yesterday, I bought The Catcher and the Rye. I know I know, I don't know why I haven't read it yet either. I ordered "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower", "The Screwtape Letters", and "The Irresistible Revolution"'.

Should be getting those soon.
My pre-ordered Alive In Wild Paint album should be here anyday.

Hmmm.

Possessions are such a burden, sometimes.

Since I've been smothered with tacos, and my stomach doesn't believe in anything else besides "Coca" and "Carne o Langua",
I'm going to start getting back in shape. There's also that 3 miles around Hume that I would like to do somewhat better on this year :)

Hume, you look way to beautiful for your own good.

Beautiful Spring Day

2008-03-15T17:51:00.002-07:00

Hmm, I hung out with my brother Cody last night and this morning. We ran around my neighborhood. He whooped my butt :)

After hanging out, I came home and threw on some music and sat outside.
There was a breeze. And It was beautiful. Ohhhh so beautiful.
I lay on the grass, looking at the clear sky, spotting the moon and counting the birds.
The grass danced and the trees shivered, and I thought about how amazing God is.
My mother told me it's strange I think this way at such an age.

The wind is still at it. The grass hasn't lost it's energy. The trees are still cold.

I want spring to stay, and summer to never come.

"You can have me anyway you want me. My body is yours. I've got all the love in the world. I've got all the love in the world"

Sitting quietly, mumbling words in the backyard,
Chris

I've been given new eyes

2008-03-14T20:01:00.000-07:00

And now I can see. So so clear. I hope I don't loose them.

Mexico was such an experience. I did not want to leave. I feel like I
owe more. That a week of serving others wasn't enough. It isn't.

I didn't miss much about home. I wasn't concerned of text messages or
phone calls or myspace comments. I see what its like living with what
I have, though what I had there was so much more than what I was
giving, which was so much less than what I had.

I wish I could jump in tonight. But I'm a teenager in high school. I
know I can be used, God wants me to stay...for now.

I see where God is calling me. I don't know how much longer he'll let
me stay after school is done. But things can change.

From the clothing aisle in costco,
Chris

I'm Leaving Tomorrow

2008-03-08T23:21:00.003-07:00

For a place where...hmm.
I can't be distracted.
I will be at peace. I know i will. I'll make people smile.
I'll be the worn hands and smelly feet of Jesus.

I'm going to Tijuana, Mexico.
The armpit of the continent.
But I feel safe there.

Tonight was a blast. One big fat body of people dancing up and down. Sweat Everywhere.
People falling on stage, on each other, laughing dancing. Ohhh my. The Maine may not be the best musicians but they can put on a show :)

I'm ready for this trip. There's thing I'll leave there. I know. I don't want to come home with them.

I'm ready for this to not be about me anymore, as I stated before.
But drugs aren't just things you smoke or drink or eat or snort.

Fall asleep to Ryan Osterman here.

Wake up to The Maine here.

Enjoy the sunrise and more pictures by clicking here:

No, I didn't photoshop in those clouds. God is just simply amazing, innovative, simple, and divine.

Quiet and Cold,
Chris

Positive

2008-03-06T09:21:00.000-07:00

I'm positive now in what I see. I read messages from a few days ago,
when the water was murky and no one would swim. Its clearing up, and
some are testing the water to see if its okay. Some don't like taking
chances. Some just don't feel like swimming. I just want to know
what'll happen if we get back in, and this all happens again. Myself
and others are not sure if its something we want to buy into.

In other news-
I cracked my iPhone screen. Big time. They won't replace it, so I'll
have to dig a some $250 from a place that doesn't even exist in my
home. Possesions are such a burden. The screen still works, the glass
just cracked. I'm actually typing this from my phone.

Why? That word has been tossed up and down a lot now. The screen, the
church, the kids, my family, your family, the hungry, the poor, the
oppressed. Why and how.

Everything happens for a reason.

Sitting in the classroom,
Chris

A Pillow Placed Under My Head

2008-03-04T17:04:00.002-07:00

Mmmmm. So so soft.
After tomorrow, I'm home free. For two weeks at least.
Deeeep breaths.
Oh I'm so ready to leave this all behind.
I want a fresh start. I've been given 2 so far, hah. But I always get more motivated each quarter I return.

I'm ready for this to not be about me anymore.
There's more to this than me. My eyes are opening more and more each day.
I'm wide awake, it's morning.

"I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like season's;
they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because
it is God's way. All my life I have been changing. I changed from a baby to a child, from soft toys to play daggers.
I changed into a teenager to drive a car, into a worker to spend some money. I will change into a husband
to love a woman, into a father to love a child, change houses so we are near water, and again so we're near friends
keep changing with my wife, getting our love so it dies and gets born again and again, like a garden fed by four seasons,
a cycle of change. Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons..."

- Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

I think you know. It hurts. Hmmm. Just putting it out there.
I'd leave with you, if I could.

Spring is here.

Deep, Deep Breaths

2008-03-02T23:45:00.002-07:00

I could break down again.
for the 100th time today.
I didn't need a weekend like this.
Especially after a week like that.

I've honestly never seen so many people crying so hard.

I have hope though, hope for the future.
Frustration is just cradling me right now. I'm just being a baby and bathing in it.
Tired.
Frustrated.
Worried.
Uncomfortable.
Betrayed?
Mixed emotions.
In one big, fat, greasy sauce pan
Boiling up and making a fat day.

Baby, baby.
God sure did give me tears though.

Hah, I felt like I had no say in this. And then I thought, and the tables were turned around to the person who was responsible for it. What if we did this? Where would YOU be? The group as a whole, effects one person. Doesn't it?
It's like a king who thinks he has power, until the people realize there's lots of them, and one of him.
Hehe.
I don't think we'd ever consider something so drastic.

I think Ryan could start something, though. I know I know I know he could. And for some reason (this sounds horrible), I think the fact that we could choose to follow him as our pastor instead of someone else would cause us to become more motivated. And pressure or limitations wouldn't be present. I think you'd know. You've got 100+ people on your side right now. And the journey has just begun.

But again, I've never felt so ignored. So miniscule. Meaningless? Disrespected. Hurt. Untrusted. Disregarded.

And now I feel like God took away something that felt like home, to show me a real home, ya know?
God isn't limited to churches and stages. He's here. In my fingertips. Pressing the keyboard. In these thoughts.
Moving this mouth.
Chewing this gum! hah, awww Lindsay Guard...

This isn't the end.

My eyes are burning. I think I'm out of tears.

Today is for you God.
And may something extraordinary come out of this.
You work sooooo mysteriously.
Let it be...

Listen

Sleep well.

Unsure,
Chris

You Can Miss Home,

2008-02-28T18:32:00.001-07:00

But sit on the same plot of land you've lived your whole life.

Home is a state of mind. A place where you feel comforted. I used to
be home, not long ago. Home is achievable. Always. But never if you
look to the past. Donald Miller spoke it brilliantly in his book
Through Painted Deserts. Life is like season's. It should be renewed,
changing continuously, growing, dying, and returning prettier the next
season. I feel like laziness is my death. Forgetfulness of what I've
learned. Seeing things for what they are in reality, not what society
has made then.

I'll grow back again soon. I think the beginning of this book is the
seed that was planted in the soil of my mind. I just need it to grow.
To be rooted in my brain.

Love love love that Arizona sunset.

3 Days Now. I'll get better at this

2008-02-27T21:44:00.004-07:00

I realize I can blog from my phone, too. Maybe I'll just start at that.
Hmm, Monday. Horrible memory, again. Sorry.
I believe I went to the mall. I picked up "Through Painted Deserts". You know, the one by Donald Miller. He mentions it's the worst book he's ever written, but I'm just curious.

I think a book worm has gotten into me. I'm the apple.
I've got so much I want to read. I'd become an insomniac. I don't need sleep. Who does?
Tuesday and Wednesday were "late start" days
They go by just as long as normal days, though, it seems.

Hanging around the family and such.
Today's my sister's birthday. Big 1-1?
I suppose. I wish I remember what exactly went on when i was 11. Just to remember.
She wouldn't listen to my advice though. She won't even let me help her with her math homework.
Boy, can't wait to be a parent :)

Hmm. Church? Did you know that there's this little itty bitty protein that is in every cell of your body?. Called laminin. It holds everything together; it's the concrete, the steel of the building, the frame of the house. It holds everything together.

and it's in the shape of a...cross?

The thing that holds everything together. Inside and out. It's visible. It's real. It's stamped, marked, stainedddddd. Inside the cells of your BODY!!!!. I shed tears. Shh.

Think think think. Feed me that truth.
-Chris

Time Goes By So Quickly

2008-02-24T23:05:00.002-07:00

It's almost monday now. I thought missing two days was a lot.
I can hear my sister moving in her sleep.
I need to move my desk to the other side of the room...

I can barely recall what's gone on this week.
Besides Friday. Cody picked me up, and we got some Bingsoo at Fresco. It's nice to chit chat, keep the air passing between. I love having a best friend. It's so comforting. I feel like I can fall anywhere. He could too. We'd land on top of each other in such an awkward position, but we'd both be okay, I believe. We saw Ryan Guard too. I saw Ryan Osterman again. Yes, I'm often concerned for those under the influence of alcohol and nicotine, but boy can he place his fingers on the guitar string like no other. He gets me. So easily. Maybe I'm just vulnerable. To what? I hope I'm not. Tangent....
Anywho. I was a bit upset, because he hasn't played any of his older songs. He's just moving on, I suppose. I just hope he doesn't forget that person he once was. I wish I could speak so loudly. And age is only a number.

Saturday was my mothers birthday party. I gave the first toast of my life. My heart races. mmmm. I can't drink champagne, so i'll fake it? Hah. Fell asleep late too. Discussing photography and such with my aunt. I got my first roll developed today. First in a while. I'm trying to fix this picture up a bit because it's very shadowy, and it's driving me insane.

Today, Ryan is back! He's returned from the snow and is here to save Merge. Katie set the fire alarm off. Good grief. Funny stuff though. I love when Ryan speaks. It's raw motivation leaking from his eyes. And laughter. Hah, you could never fall asleep. I don't know how some do.

Note to self: Sheets are torn. Gone. Ripped.

I've been doing homework since I got home from working the sound booth. It's almost midnight. I have to wake up and do more.

Love with every keystroke,
Chris

It's Wednesday

2008-02-20T21:49:00.004-07:00

It seems like I just posted yesterday. Since then has been great. Monday was a lazy day; no school and all. I slept, and enjoyed listening to music for the majority of the day, squeezing in homework at the last minute (which never works out). Yesterday, I shot promotion photos for a band called "Aimless". You should check their music out and see if you like it :). And you can view the pictures took by clicking this:

Today was long as well. I had to write a paragraph about myself in english on what I feel makes me "unique". This goes along with the book "Anthem" by Ayn Rand, because in the story everyone is deprived of independence. It's supposed to be a story of what society will be like a few decades from now. But it's very interesting. I'll talk more about that later, and maybe share my paragraph, though I feel like I rant a lot, and go off on plenty of tangents.

Oh, and the sunrises have been amazing lately.

Better pictures to come. And writing soon.

With heavy eyes, and a head full of songs,
Chris

2/3 Days of This Weekend

2008-02-17T13:33:00.003-07:00

Quick quick weekend. Only one day left. Happy 3 day weekend?

Friday:
I saw Alive In Wild Paint live. They're pretty amazing, descending from GoodbyeTomorrow. With my eyes closed, swinging back and forth to the rhythm, they're very good live performers. My favorite song:

Saturday:
I slept in until 1! I was pretty excited. Then I had a brown night with Jason, and we saw Clouds Take Shape live, here's a video.

Then video chat with Hunter! hah

Today:

Woke up, went to church. It's a beautiful day really. Enjoy the clear skies. Spring is here.

Love

2008-02-14T16:55:00.002-07:00

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

No no, not that I don't believe in love. You know, that feeling of being understood and comforted when you're scared. No not that at all.

The love I have for others. Extreme wise. I feel like, maybe it's been so long that I have ever had "feelings" for someone. Childish or not. Am i numb?

No, i don't believe so. But I'm convinced sometimes that the feeling has just been so far away that I forgot what it felt like. I know love is just too too powerful for that. And i'll know it when I find it; that special person.

Today is a beautiful day. The sunrise was absolutely amazing. The reds and oranges, it looked like the end of the world. It was the best painting on the biggest canvas. Now, i'm just waiting for the rain. But i'll be spending the beautiful day inside working on school work :/.

From the desktop,
Chris

It's late, I should be sleeping

2008-02-13T22:49:00.006-07:00

I woke up with a tickle in my throat, and my eyes sore to the touch. The day passed by quickly though. With some laughs, of course. A day is not a day without laughs. We peer reviewed in English, and I swapped papers with Natalie during and after school. I edited hers on the roof. It's amazing what gets to you up there. Or maybe it's just coincidence. Maybe there's no such thing as coincidence. Hmm, anyways. I came home, and sat on the ground with my dog. He licked me, and made me smile. He makes me happy :).

Anthony came over and we worked ohhh so hard on our science fair board (not), and then left to youth group. My leader, Jason, read us this beautiful story about a 17 year old boy named Brian Moore who wrote about his vision of heaven. If you can check it out, read it here.

My eyes are heavy. Wake Up Poland, It's Nine O'clock is keeping me up.

"the builders in the backyard catching up on all his sleep
a woman lacks the motivation from the bedroom where she weeps
there was a banner in the window shouting "you were my peace of mind"
He'd love to share his bold intentions but he lost his voice to try

a boy surrounded by his racecars, living faster than his age
he build worlds for himself to live in with the building blocks they gave
he laid and pressed his ears on air-vents needing nothing of that sort
his laughter quickly turned to silence, the dark turned from sweet dreams to war

overcome by indiscretion, they made a flag of white to fly
the mourning slipt their heads, before their chance to say goodbye
they say the bigger the heart is, the more resting that's allowed
the grooms objections at his wedding after years of being vowed

blessed by encounters that helped them come to be
overcome by salutations blurring visions left to see
the sudden parting of an ocean, lead to anchors swinging wide
from the lack of fearing God and inclinations made to hide

made to hide
we're made to hide

we were all made to hide
can you tell us why?

we are alive
we're dreaming here"

From the shadows of my bedroom,
Chris

P.S.
Please leave a comment if you read this. Just interested on who's following this up...

Sleep oh so well.

I've been dancing on the tops of buildings

2008-02-12T17:39:00.000-07:00

Recently, i've been enjoying spending my evenings on the rooftop. I can hear my dog bark, and it sounds so loud now. The clouds look as if a little girl painted them, and I'm above with the leaves and birds and bees I didn't even know existed on from the ground.

I thought I'd start one of these, just to keep track of my everyday. Not exactly for anyone else's sake, but for mine. Pictures aren't as frequent from me as the used to be, so maybe this'll help keep track. My memory kind of sucks.

I wonder if it has to do with technology or something. The world isn't used to being silent. I think that's why I always have a song stuck on my head. Even on the roof, when I'm up here alone. It's peaceful though, and my mind feels more at rest than normally. I just can't help but to sleep by the stereo...

maybe these words will mean something more to me, but to you, reading this. I guess this is just an opportunity for you to stalk me, but maybe I'll just assume you're a bit more mature than that :)

I'll keep you posted.

From the rooftops,
Chris